A form letter for the angry fan who just wants a little attention
Finally gave up on trying to respond to the hordes of
mouthbreathing loons devoted fans who stuff my inbox with fourth-grade-level screeds enthusiastic responses to my articles. From here on out, y’all’s angry ungrateful asses are getting a form letter. What do I need to add here? Suggestions welcome.
Thank you so much for your email. I get hundreds a week, and I wish I could answer all of them, but the fact is, I can’t. So I’ve created this form response. Sucks, I know, but better than being ignored, right? Anyway…
1. If you liked what I wrote, and you took the time to write me, I appreciate that more than you know. I hope you’ll keep reading, and you can find more of my junk at facebook.com/jaybusbee or twitter.com/jaybusbee.
2. If, as is the more likely scenario, you didn’t like what I wrote, well, that’s the way it goes. Whoever your favorite player/team/driver/conference is, I’m not biased against them, though if you want to think so, knock yourself out.
3. I like my job a lot, and despite what many people suggest, I won’t be leaving it to wash dishes, walk dogs, pick up dead animals in the street, or anything similar. And no, I won’t be going to work at TMZ, and if you can’t understand the difference between what they do and what we do, I’m not going to hold your hand and help you understand.
4. Journalism can be “biased” in the sense that I get paid to offer my opinion on certain stories. If you disagree with my opinion, that’s your right, of course. But offering my opinion doesn’t make me a bad journalist, just like offering yours doesn’t make you a bad reader.
5. Unless you cuss at me or say ugly things about my family. Then I’ll get the IRS on you. (Joking. Maybe.)
6. There’s no such thing as “THE MEDIA.” We don’t all get together and plot out an agenda to praise some athletes and ruin others. (Although, if we did, this is exactly what we’d say to throw you off the scent. Hmm.)
7. There’s (not theirs) a decent chance your (not you’re) writing is a writhing, poorly spelled, ungrammatical mess. If that’s the case, I’d love to take your points seriously, but I’m laughing too hard at you.
Anyway, thanks for writing, and I hope your favorite team/driver/golfer/horse wins this weekend/the next time they play. Cheers.