One Day You, Too, Shall Be Steve Spurrier’s Bitch


So here’s a post from Sports Gone South of which I’m particularly proud:

We fear for Jarvis Moss.

Moss, a player for the University of Florida football organization, blocked two kicks attempted by Steve Spurrier’s South Carolina Gamecocks yesterday, including a potential game-winning field goal. And while Jarvis Moss and the Gator Nation may believe the game ended when the ball deflected off Moss’s meaty paw, the truth is, this game won’t end until Steve Spurrier has the last word. Will Moss find the head of a gator in his bed? Will his offending left hand, severed and bronzed, one day adorn Spurrier’s desk? All we know is that someday, some way, Steve Spurrier will have his revenge on Florida.

Why? Because Steve Spurrier is evil. And we can prove it.

With a tip of the visor to Chuck Norris, we present:

Steve Spurrier Is Evil: A Case Study

-“Steve Spurrier” and “evil” nets about 25,800 hits in Google. “Steve Spurrier” and “messiah” returns 813. “Steve Spurrier drinks the blood of Tallahassee infants” gives you one…for now.

-Steve Spurrier casts no reflection and no shadow, and only appears on television via a complex motion-capture program developed by those Lord of the Rings guys.

-Steve Spurrier names his bowel movements after various SEC coaches, depending on his degree of success against each one. He can drop three Fulmers and be back on the sidelines before the play clock runs out.

-Steve Spurrier advised Donald Rumsfeld on appropriate Abu Ghraib information extraction techniques, noting that “You can’t spell ‘total, uncompromising victory’ without ‘torture.'”

-If you should point out that there is, in fact, no “e” in “total, uncompromising victory,” as there is in “torture,” Steve Spurrier will simply have all traces of you erased from existence, like he did with President McDaniel.

-Steve Spurrier’s visor, when thrown by Steve Spurrier, is capable of slicing through the hull of an aircraft carrier, and more than likely will come out the other side.

-If you rearranged the letters in Steve Spurrier’s name, they would simply revert to spell “Steve Spurrier.” No man alters the name of Steve Spurrier.

-Steve Spurrier has downloaded the souls of seven university presidents into his iPod, and forces them to dance to Fergie.

-If Steve Spurrier became the villain on ’24,’ Jack Bauer would be fetching Steve Spurrier’s coffee between the hours of 7:00 am and 8:00 am, then cleaning up after Steve Spurrier’s dog between the hours of 8:00 am and 9:00 am, then…

-Steve Spurrier once ate an entire Seminole Indian. He then stood onshore for three months waiting for a hurricane on which to dine, but none materialized.

-Steve Spurrier has never been dealt anything but pocket aces.

-Steve Spurrier has never lost a game…he’s just been plotting an appropriate agonizing demise for every player on the other side of the field when time ran out.

-We’re not saying Steve Spurrier had anything to do with the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, but when you place satellite images of Dealey Plaza atop images of Spurrier’s Florida Fun n’ Gun formation, the match is exact.

-Steve Spurrier has impacted today’s NFL more than any man alive. How? Steve Spurrier so shattered the psyche of the boy who would become the NFL’s Great White-And-Blue Hope that Colts opponents ought to tape Steve Spurrier head shots to their facemasks.

-Steve Spurrier knows the cheat codes to NCAA football…and we’re not talking about a video game.

Feel free to add your own findings below.


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