Why Five Guys vs. In-N-Out Burger is the defining battle of our time
So if you’re ever looking to get some discussion going on your favorite social networking locale, don’t go with the typical attempts to whore yourself out for traffic. Don’t throw out meaningless baits to one side or another (“Sarah Palin: Genius!”), don’t go immediately for the cheap-ass Hitler or slave comparisons. (‘Sup, Whitlock.) No, it’s very simple: you want to get good, honest debate going, you throw out this simple query:
Five Guys or In-N-Out Burger?
We could get all Klosterman on this here, breaking down the semantics of Americans taking sides on a meaningless burger war with far more vehemence and passion than we do for any political issue of our time. Wall Street raping our children’s futures? Eh, it’ll work itself out. This burger’s better than yours? Hey, screw you, fella!
Alas, I’m a bit hamstrung in this debate, as I’ve never had the pleasure of eating an In-N-Out Burger. I do like their approach, though, from the Secret Menu to the possibility that you can order a 100×100 (that’s 100 patties and 100 slices of cheese, which looks like this):
That’s some kind of horrific right there. But I do dig me some Five Guys, with the hot grease that dampens the bun and turns the brown paper bag clear. (As Dr. Nick Riviera once said, “It’s your window to weight gain!”)
Still, the entire issue is this: we are Americans, we like our food, and we like to fight. And if you can sync all those up in one greasy, gooey, savory package, so much the better. You throw that query out there, and you’re liable to get borderline-maniacal defenses of both. Simple, convenient, utterly meaningless but oh so delicious.
Me, I’m all about the Chick-Fil-A. And you … ?