Why Five Guys vs. In-N-Out Burger is the defining battle of our time

b0613fiveSo if you’re ever looking to get some discussion going on your favorite social networking locale, don’t go with the typical attempts to whore yourself out for traffic. Don’t throw out meaningless baits to one side or another (“Sarah Palin: Genius!”), don’t go immediately for the cheap-ass Hitler or slave comparisons. (‘Sup, Whitlock.) No, it’s very simple: you want to get good, honest debate going, you throw out this simple query:

Five Guys or In-N-Out Burger?

We could get all Klosterman on this here, breaking down the semantics of Americans taking sides on a meaningless burger war with far more vehemence and passion than we do for any political issue of our time. Wall Street raping our children’s futures? Eh, it’ll work itself out. This burger’s better than yours? Hey, screw you, fella!

Alas, I’m a bit hamstrung in this debate, as I’ve never had the pleasure of eating an In-N-Out Burger. I do like their approach, though, from the Secret Menu to the possibility that you can order a 100×100 (that’s 100 patties and 100 slices of cheese, which looks like this):

b0613burger

That’s some kind of horrific right there. But I do dig me some Five Guys, with the hot grease that dampens the bun and turns the brown paper bag clear. (As Dr. Nick Riviera once said, “It’s your window to weight gain!”)

Still, the entire issue is this: we are Americans, we like our food, and we like to fight. And if you can sync all those up in one greasy, gooey, savory package, so much the better. You throw that query out there, and you’re liable to get borderline-maniacal defenses of both. Simple, convenient, utterly meaningless but oh so delicious.

Me, I’m all about the Chick-Fil-A. And you … ?

Jay

3 Responses to “Why Five Guys vs. In-N-Out Burger is the defining battle of our time

  • TangoAlphaLima
    ago6 years

    FYI, this post probably isn’t the first time Whitlock and a 100×100 have occupied the same space.

  • Maggie Hendricks
    ago6 years

    This battle also symbolizes the movement of population to the south and the west, since that’s the home of both franchises. Until now, Midwesterners were left out. (Five Guys have finally started popping up in my neck of the woods, and Chick-Fil-A opens in downtown Chicago tomorrow!)

    I’ll take a Vienna Beef hot dog from Gene and Jude’s over any of the above.

  • Cathy Cardoza
    ago6 years

    I try to cut down on the fast food as much as possible but sometimes I just have to have a really good burger. I’ve had em all and I have to say the one that beats them all is, In and Out Burger. They really take pride in making them, the meat is always hot, the onions are so good, the lettuce and tomatoes are crisp and the burger “always looks like their advertisement.” There are no surprises.

    And why is it all of a sudden since the last election, God suddenly is a dirty word? This is America, blessed by GOD, not a communist country. Or is it?

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